~s~

i'd been trying to figure out if i deserve love, until bobo proposed. 

i'd been trying to figure out if my life had been a joke, until i got pregnant with marsya.

i'd been trying to come to terms with resentment and depression, until ryan came into our lives.

i'd been asking myself why?

until God proved to me.

it's been more than 2 weeks since ryan last ran about at home, screamed at his sister and jumped on my bed.

'something' has been clinging onto him and thus, the refusal to walk and be himself. ironically, before we found that out, we watched ''Congkak". right after that movie, bobo and i held each other tightly. we stayed up for our subuh prayers and kept on praying, chanting whatever verses that we know.

my body gets weaker and weaker from watching my chubby, happy baby turning to a scrawny and cranky baby.

my heart breaks each time he wails.

my eyes has learnt to stop tears from welling in fornt of him, simply because i cannot show 'it' i'm weak.

God must love me so much, for the great tests He has been giving me.

it's time i realise that only Him can help me.

meanwhile, if you have read this entry, please, please pray for my son, Ryan Ilhan Bin Mohammad Harisman.