In about three hours time, I will be under the knife again.
Guilt comes over me as I type this entry. I have not been the best pregnant mother for I have not been updating regularly about baby's development. I have not been the best mother as I had been too weak to follow the schedules I had planned out for the three children this holidays. What with the maid creating more problems that left me helper-less for three weeks. Plans with the children had to be shelved because of that as I had chores to do at home.
No matter how much I pen this down, let it out, scream and shout, I still feel guilty.
This was not the way I wanted to spend my last few weeks with my children who deserve more than my atention before baby comes along.
Still, I am looking forward to later. To see my unborn child. The one whose kicks have left me feeling breathless at times. :) The one whom hubby still thinks is a boy despite the doctor telling us so that it's another girl.
Whatever gender you may be, baby, you're still ours and will be loved all the same. :)
And yes, I'll be going through another c-section.
Fourth child. Third c-section. Last pregnancy.
LAST pregnancy. Yes, ligation forms have been filled and I've made up my mind.
But to walk into the Operating Theatre later, I'm still NOT prepared. The battle has already begun last night when all sorts of notions came over me about the operation. Scheduled operation always make me feel like I'm meeting death.
On a good note, if I die giving birth, I will go to Heaven right? Hehe.
Ok, I bet every woman who goes through childbirth ever has such thoughts. It doesn't make me forget where I'm from.
Insya'Allah we'll be fine.
Both of us will be.
Pray for us, ok?
